General Caregiving Article

Speaking with Our Parents

The best time to start communicating with our parents about difficult questions is before they are in a crisis situation. Although you may not be able to anticipate a crisis, it is possible to lay some groundwork that opens the door for more in-depth, specific discussion when a crisis occurs. Here are some steps to help you:

1. Make a list of topics you think are important. Tell your parents that you are interested in learning what their wishes are for the future.
2. Ask your parents about their legal planning. Do they have a current will? Do they have a trust? Do they have a living will? Do they have a financial power of attorney? Do they have a medical power of attorney?
3. At some point your parents may not be able to live by themselves. What are their wishes? They may wish to live at home and have someone come into the home to help them. They may wish to live with an adult child. They may wish to move to an assisted living facility or a continuous care community.
4. It is important that you know where they keep their money. Ask them to make a list with you of their bank account(s) and number(s), investment account(s) and number(s), social security income, and any other monthly income they may have (like income from rental property).
5. Most older adults have medical conditions and it's important to know what they are, the medications that are being taken, and the healthcare professionals who are treating these conditions. Ask to accompany your parents to their next appointment so that you can meet their healthcare provider. If you live far away from your parents ask their permission to speak with their doctor by phone to introduce yourself. This permission must be in writing.
6. Ask about funeral and burial wishes. Many older adults have already purchased a burial plot and most are very clear what kind of funeral they want.
7. Lastly, remember that it is their wish that is most important and it is to be respected even if your wishes are different from theirs. The exception to this is when they are no longer mentally capable to make their own decisions and that is determined by a professional who can assess their cognitive abilities.

Some other communication resources:

• Tips for talking to elderly parents about credit card debt
• Long Distance Foreign Service Caregivers
• Talking with elderly parents about independence
• Talking with elderly parents about driving
• The Association for Driver Rehabilitation offers referrals to professionals trained to help people with disabilities, including those associated with aging. Visit The Association for Driver Rehabilitation online.
• Adapting Motor Vehicles for People with Disabilities
• Selecting Vehicles and Adaptations for Special Physical Needs
• Communicating with impaired elderly people who are hearing impaired; deaf; visually impaired; aphasic; or have Alzheimer?s Disease
• How to talk to your elderly parent about depression
• The pamphlet "How to Talk to an Older Person Who Has a Problem With Alcohol or Medications" is available on the Hazelden Web site or a free printed copy can be obtained by?calling 1-800-257-7810.